Love, Post Divorce, is a Minefield

I’ve been dating. I’ve been putting myself out there. In the only way you can– give it your all.

I found a gal who was anything I was looking for in a partner. We shared a lot of the same values and she was beautiful.

She ended it.

And she wanted to remain friends and the typical breakup talking points followed. Before she could get too far into the weeds I said stop.

She wanted to talk it out, so I can understand how her heart feels and so mine could understand. I wasn’t interested in her reasoning and I wasn’t interest in remaining friends. I typed up a response, that was never sent, on the logic why I didn’t want to have those conversions…

Let me clarify why I’m not having this conversation,

Jim Carrey’s character, in Liar liar, Mr. Reed is bound by a supernatural wish from a friend to never tell a lie or half truth for 24 hours. Kindness often comes in forms of half truths or flat out lies.

I adore Mr. Reed’s secretary. She is full of life and represents everyone I hope to work for one day. She is unapologetic in her style, compassionate, and is excited to experience life with those around her. Mr. Reed, when confronted by his secretary on how he feels about her fashion choices, he desperately avoids her. It’s because he doesn’t want to attack her vibrant—playful spirit. If he were to say what he truly feels, it would break or potentially damage her self-love. He doesn’t want to change her perception of herself, despite his difference of opinion. There is kindness in his censorship. That’s why the film is so humorous. We identify with Jim Carrey’s struggle.

I project that scene onto myself— and whatever we had— I’m sure there are qualities about myself that you found problematic.

You may feel some sort of admiration for me, but the hard truth—you can’t see yourself excluding future opportunities with those whom you find more attractive or whatever qualities you are looking for— meaning I’m not your type and you couldn’t bare the thought of being stuck. That’s okay and you shouldn’t feel ashamed. I could be wrong, but replace whatever topic or issue you have with me…. The principle still stands, ‘An adorable/admirable person that possesses problematic qualities that don’t jive with your taste/preference or type.’

I don’t want to hear these whole truths. In fact, I prefer and hope you are a kind enough person to censor yourself to near silence. In a sense, I’m protecting my ego and my admiration for myself. I don’t want to hear your reasoning… Because I would likely feel more hurt or become more confused. Or angry if your speech felt cliché.

I don’t need that.

Second, the status from a romantic partner to a friendship is a humiliating and embarrassing demotion. Overtime, if not now, I will see you as a painful reminder of that. You will unknowingly and unintentionally become my emotional torturer.

If our friendship would blossom, it would inevitably create a false sense of hope that I could become a romantic partner again. That’s wrong and a hopeless, destructive process for me. I think about your ex. When you told him you were “seeing someone,” he responded that he knew this day would come, and he wasn’t ready for it regardless— even after a year or year and half post break-up. You have unknowingly and unwittingly become his emotional torturer.

If we were to try an act of friendship, it would degrade the very thought and virtues of friendship. My best friends from middle school to present are held together, not from an attempt to rescue a romantic partnership from the ashes, but from a bond of commitment to side and nurture the better virtues of a person and tame the darker side of themselves/ myself. And to laugh and support our not so good choices. Those noble goals of what friendship should be would be obscured. My intent wouldn’t be pure— because I want to be that romantic partner again. How can I give good council or find joy in your new love/interest when I feel jealousy or shame in that process? I can’t. I can never be your friend.

The best hope for us is civil distance.

Lots and lots of distance.

That civil distance is only created out of complete and sudden severing of whatever we had. Perhaps you were clear where you stood this whole time and I was recklessly and hopelessly optimistic about where I thought we were going.

Friendship is, thankfully, lost as an idea or possible with you.

I wish you well in the only way a healthy person can do– with civil distance.

The Power of Positive Thinking: Protect your Inner Child

Because I was blindsided by my divorce, my self esteem and inner child took a traumatic hit. Inner child might be an elusive term for some, but bottom line our “inner child” represents our innocence, our sense of wonder, joy, sensitivity and playfulness. As we grow older we earn the title of adult when we acknowledge, accept and take responsibility for loving our inner child. I don’t believe we truly “grow up.”

You have to protect that inner child. Strangely enough I had another poetic dream in which I got a lot of insight.

I was sitting in a dim lighted bar. I was drinking and my companions were ugly versions of my adult self. One of my companions was fat with an affliction of severe acne. Another had dark hair that was untamed and his arm pit stains glowed like a green neon sign.

The third looked withered and near death. His appearance looked like he had suffered from a long and tough famine, just skin and bone with dark circles around his eyes.

They all laughed when I finished my story of how I lost the love of my life to someone else.

Their laughter shook the walls and the rhythmic pounding of their fist on the bar’s counter bounced the glasses into a dance.

“Well no wonder! Look at you! You look like a ghost,” said the fat one as he rocked back and forth in his chair with laughter.

“I bet this NEW MAN isn’t boring like you are! Your personality is flat! You think too much and you’re all business. She wanted fun! She wanted to feel ALIVE!,” said the dark haired one.

“I bet she forgets all about you when they are making love. I bet he is better in every way and that’s why she’s never looking back. You only live once, never settle down with a bore like you. He’s probably hung like horse too.” said the skinny one.

I laughed with them, although uneasily and I agreed with them as I took a drink.

The door to the outside flings open and the light blinds the bar’s patrons. They groan as they squint. A small boy enters the bar. He is crying. He has blonde hair and fair skin with blue eyes. He runs towards me and hugs my leg, burying his face into the side of my leg.

“What’s wrong boy?” I said.

“She doesn’t want to play with me anymore,” the boy said as his hiccups and sobs interrupted his speech.

“Why doesn’t she want to play with you anymore? Did you do something mean?” I said.

“No. She said my toys are boring and that she doesn’t like me anymore. She said this other boy had better toys and is more fun and that… and that… and that she doesn’t want to play with me or be friends with me. Ever. Ever. Ever. Again,” the boy said.

“Well, sounds like she’s a mean girl to me. Why were you hanging out with her anyway?”

“She was always nice. She was fun. I liked her a lot. I don’t know why she got mean,” the boy said.

“Don’t cry over a mean girl. Find new friends who don’t treat you like that. Geez, it’s that easy.” I said with impatience.

“Why was she so mean?” the boy said.

“Doesn’t matter! Life is short! Keep friends who are nice to you, not mean. Aren’t there other kids on the playground?”

“Yes,” the boy said in a fit of sniffles as he clears away the tears from his face.

My ugly companions began to laugh.

“Well, well, well, well, well. Looks like we have two lame whiners. The boy cries like a girl! No wonder his friend left him! He’s too sensitive and takes life too seriously. Hey boy! Did you look at your toy airplane and speak of its wonder? Did you tell her your dreams and how you hoped to be a pilot one day? It was all about you uh? Did you even share?” said the fat one.

“Yes,” the boy responded.

“Lair! You’re not remembering it right. Ha Ha Ha! The boy is stupid too! Doesn’t have a memory! His mind is fickle and unreliable! The girl chose right! She left you because you’re no fun! I bet this new boy friend has bigger toys and bigger delights!” he responded.

“She said I was her friend yesterday and the day before. I don’t understand,” the boy said defensively.

“Ha ha ha ha! She is no friend boy. You’re lame, plan and simple. Look, the boy needs to learn that the world is cruel. It’s full of mean boys and girls! Tell him to stop being a baby! He’s pathetic! Kick ‘em out. Stop consoling him. The world needs tough love. The boy needs to suffer! It’s a world of hunters and the hunted. He needs to learn to be a hunter, a taker rather than a giver. Kick him outside! Tough love is in order,” said the deathly skinny pale companion.

“Okay guys… enough. He’s just a boy! He is young! He has so much to live for and I think it’s honorable to protect his innocence, his sense of wonder, we need to give him hope that there will be more joy in his life, sensitivity is good and playfulness is essential in a fulfilling life. We need to give him the tools to be successful and happy. I think protecting him in this moment will help. Just because a friend rejected him doesn’t mean you take away his potential for a happy and fulfilling life! After all, he loved this friend. He would be friends with her today if he could! This boy needs comfort and to be told that life will be okay because he can find a new friend that is not mean or cruel or gets bored too easily!” I said.

The fat companion left his leg and let out a loud fart and said, “Well that’s what I think about all that!”

My ugly companions laughed. The glasses on the bar began to dance again.

I bent down and grabbed the boy’s face. I said, “Okay boy, I’m going to count to one hundred and I want you to hide. This is a game of hide and seek. Do you know what that is?”

The boy nodded that he understood.

“Okay, go!”

The boy ran outside and let in the sun’s rays. The sun made my companions groan as their eyes tried to adjust. The door closed and darkness eased their eyes again.

My companions continued their laughs and cruel jokes.

“Enough!” I said with tight fist.

They laughed and continued on their degrading stand ups.

I picked up a chair and broke it over the skinny companion. His bones broke just as the chair did. I picked up the leg of the chair. It was a stake. I looked to the dark haired companion like a vampire. I was the hunter. I drove the stake into his heart. He let out a yelp. Blood covers the bar.

I turn to the fat one. He pleads. I broke a bottle to give it a shiv like deadliness. I slashed his throat.

The room is silent.

“No more jokes?” I asked to my lifeless companions.

I left the bar and enter into the sun’s rays. It is beautiful! The sky is blue and the birds sing their passionate songs. I looked for the boy in the playground. I looked in the tunnels, the slide, the swings, behind a tree, in a bush and found nothing.

“This boy is clever.” I thought.

I looked to the bar entrance. He hide behind the door. He knew if I exit the bar, I might overlook the first place I past.

“Hey you! I found you!” I ran towards the boy.

He laughed and began to run towards me.

I bent down and embraced him. He laughed in my ear and I patted his back.

The boy became smaller and smaller in my arms and he entered into my chest, like witchcraft or a possession.

I was left there hugging myself. I stood up in confusion. The boy was me. My inner child. I was defending him against the negative thoughts I told myself, to hurt myself.

———

This dream really showed me that I needed to protect my inner child from my own negative thoughts.

Jane E. Brody wrote a great article in the New York Times regarding how positive thinking can improve your health. It is a skill that is developed. Here are some of those tips I’ve adopted in my every day life to protect my inner child:

Recognize a positive event each day
Savor that event and log it in a journal or tell someone about it.
Start a daily gratitude list
List your personal strengths and note your progress
Report minor stress and lists ways to reappraise the event in a more positive light
Recognize and practice small acts of kindness daily
Practice mindfulness, focus on the here and now rather than the past or future.

Some days when my grief is strong, my strength comes from the idea that “yes, it was a tough day— but I’m closer to being healed.”

“Kintsugi”

The Bus Dream

The bus had windows that fell from the ceiling to the floor. It provided a 360 degree view of the outside world. The bus had every seat filled and had human obstacles blocking the path for an easy exit.

The noise of the passengers was deafening. I was traveling with my wife, Anna and I was the one who was carrying all of our luggage. Without warning, Anna ran towards the front of the bus for the exit. She weaved through the passengers like a snake chasing a mouse through a field. I tried to follow her, but the bus’s isles were too narrow to pass through as I tried to carry our bags.

The bus driver closed the door and began to drive. I screamed, “Stop! Stop! Stop the bus! My wife just got off the bus!” The noise of the bus drowned out my pleas and screams.

I gave up hope and sat back down in my seat. My heart sank in my chest. I was afraid. Time past and I began to fall asleep. I woke up to passengers stealing my bags and making their way off the bus. I ran after them. I left what few possessions I had behind. I looked down the sidewalk and saw the thieves running quickly away from me.

I sprinted after them.

No matter how fast I ran, their outlines became smaller and smaller.

I gave up.

I couldn’t breath and my legs burned. I rested my hands on my knees and my back was bent forward towards the ground. I wheezed.

I walked back to where the bus was located. It was gone and what few remaining possessions I had were lost. I walked to a bench and sat down with grief and heartbreak. The lump in my throat chocked me. My eyes swelled then burst with tears. My wails and cries were uncontrollable. There were many bystanders walking around me, but they did not react or noticed. The world was with me, but the world didn’t see me.

Time passed. The tears and cries were controlled, but there was a hole in my chest were my heart once rest. A new bus pulled up. I stood up and walked up to the opened door.

“Where is this bus going?”

“Doesn’t matter,” the driver said.

Inside the bus it was quiet with only two passengers– one sat in the front and the other in the back. The bus’s doors closed and I made my way to the middle of the aisle and sat near the window. The bus began to move. Where ever this bus goes, I’m here and there’s nothing I can do about what has happened. I’ll do my best to enjoy the ride and reflect.

This dream hit me pretty hard. Anna left me when I least expected it. At the time, I was away in a different state on military orders— I was helpless. She expressed to me that she had fallen in love with another man and her heart no longer felt anything for me.

I felt abandoned and alone. I felt I lost everything and I had no control of what happened. I was blindsided. I loved being married.

This dream manifested all my emotions in a very poetic scene.

It was the first step in moving to accepting my new reality and understand that this event was irreversible and would forever change my life and throw my future into absolute uncertainity. An identity crisis followed.

My childhood dreams of being a one woman kind of man, to never experience divorce, and have a family of my own was shattered. My identity and purpose has been temporarily lost.

I am a broken man. But there are tools to heal a broken heart.

*This was ground zero of my emotional journey *

Introduction

You’re probably here because you feel broken. Your divorce probably just happened or you’re about to go though it or you just can’t seem to get past it. Your emotions are running wild and you feel like you’re losing your sanity.

You just want to feel the ground underneath your feet again and find joy in the simple things you once cherished. When a relationship ends it is a death. Grief will grip you and not let go for sometime. Grief will feel like a chronic disease and there is no quick fix or a pill you can take to treat it. Grief is a process, a long and painful process. What will help mend your wounds is to give your grief meaning. Use your grief to improve your self-image, your self awareness, your world perspective, re-calibrate your values and embrace the good people in your life.

“Greif is an appallingly solitary experience, what helps with grief is a belief system that places it in a greater context, that invest it with meaning. Because that’s the killing part, when grief is meaningless.” –Yann Martel’s The High Mountains of Portugal (YM)

My intent is to be your guide through this painful experience. I went through this. I will share my emotional journey, discuss positive and negative coping mechanisms, my view on relationships and the skills that are present in healthy relationships.

You must embrace your grief and work everyday towards lasting reconciliation. The hardest part of this process is achieving an emotional self awareness and NOT resist the changes that are coming. When marriages or relationships end it’s because one or both partners want to dissolve their identity and social circles and begin anew— for whatever reason. This is manifested when women change their last names back to their maiden names. A surname is precious. It identifies you to the world, it gives communities a basic idea of where you are from and who is your family, the basic sense of where your loyalties and values lie. It’s more than an identity, it’s a statement

Youtuber Nerdwriter has an amazing video to help begin your recovery. We must embrace our wounds, our brokenness. This idea of embracing our wounds is captured in the Japanese mending practice of Kintsugi or golden joinery. This method takes broken ceramics and repairs them with a special lacquer mixed with gold, silver, or platinum. The repair makes the ceramic more valuable and emblazons its imperfection as an essential moment in the ceramic’s history.

Like the practice of Kintsugi, we will take our brokeness and mend our hearts and souls with that same concept. We will improve the content of our character, our perspective in life, and emblazon our past trauma as an essential catalyst in finding fulfillment and purpose in our life.

Go out and buy a journal. Over time this will prove self soothing and it will demonstrate the emotional progress you will make. Grief is a long and painful journey. You are going to feel like you are making little to no progress, but the journal will give you hope that you are healing.